Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
You Might Also Like
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.