Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
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What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
O Wise One….
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.