Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
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I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see