Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
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I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?