Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
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Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.