Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
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I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
You’ll be OK
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
called in thicc to work this morning
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about