Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
You Might Also Like
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Shower sex be like:
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?