Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
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Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.