Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
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I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
How high do the levels go?
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
🚲+physics = winner
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee