Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
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Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
the only organized thing in my life is crime
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
I know this now 😂
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*