Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
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Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
If you had more money you’d be happier.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!