@Staggfilms

Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!

Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!

Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!

Boss:…

*our eyes lock and we kiss*

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@DairylandDon

Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.

@brennadine

It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.

@sixfootcandy

Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.

@407Creative

Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!

@Tbone7219

I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.

@onion_an

[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”

@sarahyehia82

I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.

@UncleDuke1969

Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?

@KateQFunny

Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.