Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
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After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
paddle faster i hear baby shark
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Whoa 😂
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT