Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
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Sing it!
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”