Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
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Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Dishonest mechanic?
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Just parrot things
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.