Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
You Might Also Like
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”