Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
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My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference