Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
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doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Florida man
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.