Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
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Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
*mops up wine with cat*
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce