ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK

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Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.


I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.


Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach


A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.

That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.


I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip


“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk


*Scrolls TL*

Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!

*sips juicebox*


If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.


My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.