Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@JasonBanksComic

Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.

@IamEnidColeslaw

sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth

@houffy

I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.

@kibblesmith

Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach

@vickykhappy

A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.

That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.

@FatherWithTwins

I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE

@bridger_w

“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk

@BonaFideIntent

*Scrolls TL*

Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!

*sips juicebox*

@carlyken

If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.

@MichaelTrying

My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.