ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
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DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.