Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
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This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight