ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
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Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.