ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
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If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]