Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
You Might Also Like
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
*skinny dips into black hole
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!