Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
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*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.