Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
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Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.