Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
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“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns