Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
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her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter