Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
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My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.