Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
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Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.