me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
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I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.