ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
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“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”