Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
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[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
My god she’s good.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.