ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
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My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
*puts cutlery down*
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide