Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
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When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster