@LipLush1
@Blue_Crab My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
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@Blue_Crab 
@Tommytoughstuff *gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
@SondraDeeMe Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
@Tmoney68 My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
@hardlyrelevant “Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
@Beer4AGoodTime Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
@dshack8 “I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
@CornOnTheGoblin [gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
@ChaseMit “Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
@iMikosnyc Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!