Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
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The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.