@LipLush1

Me: you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?

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@MarfSalvador

date: are you looking for love?

me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels

@nami_knows

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

@AmishSuperModel

How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?

@kevinthedad

until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity

@bingowings14

I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.

@Kris_Florio

“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”

“How are your resurrecting skills?”

@PoodleSnarf

Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up

@robin_991

Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.

Anyways, making friends is hard.

@notacroc

[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite