
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!