Me: you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?

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date: are you looking for love?

me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels


Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle


How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?


until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity


I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.


“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”

“How are your resurrecting skills?”


Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up


Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.

Anyways, making friends is hard.


ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite