Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
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Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
When I laugh on my period
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine