Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
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[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock