Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
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a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
We like the way Dwight thinks
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.