Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
You Might Also Like
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Siri: Retweet me.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?