ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
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Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
good for her
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.