Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
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“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
The honesty is refreshing
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF