Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?

Friend: yeah

Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?

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[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care


normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”


Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?

Obama: Well, I’ve alw–

Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?


“Awww. There there.”

*pats you on the face. Hard


*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*


When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.


I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them


My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.


I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.


PERSON: Your baby is so cute

ME: Oh thank you

PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!

ME: Oh I hope not but thanks





PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them

ME: Okay we gotta go now