Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
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I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Wish the trash would take me out for once.