Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
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Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Optional boss fight.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint