Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
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A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
we’re gonna need another temp
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
me linking you to my twitter
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.