Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
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Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Can. I. Help. You.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?