Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
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I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
*launders Kohls cash*
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
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Me: Same.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit