Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
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“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
LOL!
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
constantly working on myself.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt