Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
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I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means