Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
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Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote