me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
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I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish